Source Text: CANDIDA1.1Proserpine: Another lecture?
Morell: Yes. The Hoxton Freedom Group want me to address them on Sunday morning. What are they?
Proserpine: Communist Anarchists, I think.
Morell: Just like Anarchists not to know that they cant have a parson on Sunday! Tell them to come to church if they want to hear me: it will do them good. Say I can come on Mondays and Thursdays only. Have you the diary there?
Proserpine: Yes.
Morell: Have I any lecture on for next Monday?
Proserpine: Tower Hamlets Radical Club.
Morell: Well, Thursday then?
Proserpine: English Land Restoration League.
Morell: What next?
Proserpine: Guild of St. Matthew on Monday. Independent Labor Party, Greenwich Branch, on Thursday. Monday, Social- Democratic Federation, Mile End Branch. Thursday, first confirmation class. Oh, I'd better tell them you cant come. Theyre only half a dozen ignorant and conceited coster- mongers without five shillings between them.
Morell: Ah; but you see theyre near relatives of mine.
Proserpine: Relatives of yours!
Morell: Yes: we have the same father -- in Heaven.
Proserpine: Oh, is that all?
Morell: Ah, you dont believe it. Everybody says it: nobody believes it: nobody. Well, well! Come, Miss Proserpine: cant you find a date for the costers? what about the 25th. That was vacant the day before yesterday.
Proserpine: Engaged. The Fabian Society.
Morell: Bother the Fabian Society! Is the 28th gone too?
Proserpine: City dinner. Youre invited to dine with the Founders' Company.
Morell: Thatll do: I'll go to the Hoxton Group of Freedom instead. Well, Lexy? Late again, as usual!
Lexy: I'm afraid so. I wish I could get up in the morning.
Morell: Ha! ha! Watch and pray, Lexy: watch and pray.
Lexy: I know. But how can I watch and pray when I am asleep? Isnt that so, Miss Prossy? RESP Proserpine. Miss Garnett, if you please.
Lexy: I beg your pardon. Miss Garnett.
Proserpine: Youve got to do all the work today.
Lexy: Why?
Proserpine.Never mind why: It will do you good to earn your supper before you eat it, for once in a way, as I do. Come! dont dawdle. You should have been off on your rounds half an hour ago.
Lexy: Is she in earnest, Morell?
Morell: Yes. I am going to dawdle today.
Lexy: You! You dont know how.
Morell: Ha! ha! Dont I? I'm going to have this morning all to myself. My wife's coming back: she's due here at 11.45.
Lexy: Coming back already! with children? I thought they were to stay to the end of the month.
Morell: So they are: she's only coming up for two days, to get some flannel things for Jimmy, and to see how we're getting on without her.
Lexy: But, my dear Morell, if what Jimmy and Fluffy had was scarlatina, do you think it wise --
Morell: Scarlatina! Rubbish! it was German measles. I brought it into the house myself from the Pycroft Street school. A parson is like a doctor, my boy: he must face infection as a soldier must face bullets. Catch the measles if you can, Lexy: she'll nurse you; and what a piece of luck that will be for you! Eh?
Lexy: It's so hard to understand you about Mrs Morell --
Morell: Ah, my boy, get married: get married to a good woman; and then youll understand. Thats a foretaste of what will be best in the Kingdom of Heaven we are trying to establish on earth. That will cure you of dawdling. An honest man feels that he must pay Heaven for every hour of happiness with a good spell of hard unselfish work to make others happy. We have no more right to consume happiness without producing it than to consume wealth without producing it. Get a wife like my Candida; and youll always be in arrear with your repayment.
Lexy: Oh, wait a bit: I forgot. Your father-in-law is coming round to see you.
Morell: Mr. Burgess?
Lexy: Yes. I passed him in the park, arguing with somebody. He asked me to let you know that he was coming.
Morell: But he hasnt called here for three years. Are you sure, Lexy? Youre not joking, are you?
Lexy: No sir, really.
Morell: Hm! Time for him to take another look at Candida before she grows out of his knowledge.
Lexy: What a good man! What a thorough loving soul he is!
Proserpine: Oh, a man ought to be able to be fond of his wife without making a fool of himself about her.
Lexy: Oh, Miss Prossy!
Proserpine: Candida here, and Candida there, and Candida everywhere! It's enough to drive anyone out of their senses to hear a woman raved about in that absurd manner merely because she's got good hair and a tolerable figure.
Lexy: I think her extremely beautiful, Miss Garnett. extremely beautiful. How fine her eyes are!
Proserpine: Her eyes are not a bit better than mine: now! And you know very well you think me dowdy and second rate enough.
Lexy: Heaven forbid that I should think of any of God's creatures in such a way!
Proserpine: Thank you. Thats very nice and comforting.
Lexy: I had no idea you had any feeling against Mrs Morell.
Proserpine: I have no feeling against her. She's very nice, very good-hearted: I'm very fond of her, and can appreciate her real qualities far better than any man can. You dont believe me? You think I'm jealous? Oh, what a knowledge of the human heart you have, Mr Lexy Mill! How well you know the weaknesses of Woman, dont you? It must be so nice to be a man and have a fine penetrating intellect instead of mere emotions like us, and to know that the reason we dont share your amourous delusions is that we're all jealous of one another!
Lexy: Ah, if you women only had the same clue to Man's strength that you to his weakness, Miss Prossy, there would be no Woman --uestion.
Proserpine: Where did you hear Morell say that? You didnt invent it yourself: youre not clever enough.
Lexy: Thats quite true. I am not ashamed of owing him that, as I owe him so many other spiritual truths. He said it at the annual conference of Women's Liberal Federation. Allow me to add that though they didnt appreciate it, I, a mere man, did.
Proserpine: Well, when you talk to me, give me your own ideas, such as they are, and not his. You never cut a poorer figure than when you are trying to imitate him.
Lexy: I try to follow his example, not to imitate him.
Proserpine: Yes, you do: you imitate him. Why do you tuck your umbrella under your left arm instead of carrying it in your hand like anyone else? Why do you walk with your chin stuck out before you, hurrying along with that eager look in your eyes? you! who never get up before half past nine in the morning. Why do you say "knoaledge" in church, though you always say "knolledge" in private conversation! Bah! do you think I dont know? Here! come and set about your work: weve wasted enough time for one morning. Here's a copy of the diary for today.
Lexy: Thank you.
Burgess: They told me Mr Morell was here.
Proserpine: I'll fetch him for you.
Burgess: Youre not the same young lady as hused to typewrite for him?
Proserpine: No.
Burgess: No: she was young-er. Startin on your rounds, Mr Mill?
Lexy: Yes: I must be off presently.
Burgess: Dont let me detain you, Mr Mill. What I come about is private between me and Mr Morell.
Lexy: I have no intention of intruding, I am sure, Mr Burgess. Good morning.
Burgess: Oh, good morning to you.
Morell: Off to work?
Lexy: Yes, sir.
Morell: Take my silk handkerchief and wrap your throat up. Theres a cold wind. Away with you.