My Blog

So, I created this website several days ago, a trying experience, especially since it is all done
in notepad. Ohh the luxuries of spell check! I should let people know that I have tried the whole blog thing,
it didn't work, it may just become ramblings of words.

Its funny how the weather can mimic your emotions, or feelings sometimes. I know it is not always true,
but when it happens, it happens. That day when you just want to jump up and down, when the sky is bright and
the night is warm. The polar opposite is true though to; when you feel like nothing can get worse the clouds move
in to drown you in mud.

I mention this becuase I had just recieved a call from one of my friends, and when they hung up, the weather
had changed from a pleasant warmth, to a chilling cold rain. This is while I realized the friendships that I had/am
missing. (I hope people aren't actually reading this) It made me sad to think of how little I would/will be seeing
my old friends, and all of the missed opprotunities and chances to be someone else. It is almost like God were listening
way up there, and wanted to say 'hey, I know you feel bad, and I want you to know that I know!' A mystery, or maybe my
imagination, whatever it is, its comforting.

Entry number two. I realize that I spend/spent way too much time on this thing. The truth of the matter is,
is that you, the viewer haven't seen the trials, unless you came on during one of the editings, which i would find
very funny. I tried for several hours yesterday attempting to place a message board on this site, which is oddly
much more complicated then it sounds. I am nearly going to ditch the idea, but there is one more hope, which I will
try when "freetime" comes my way.

During my making of this its funny the little habits that become routine for me, like everytime I open
'filezilla' to upload a file to the server, I say "filezilla" becuase it sounds cool, its very rediculous; and when
writing the scripts for the this file, whenever I come to a written command like "title", or "br" I say those
to myself to. Where did my need to do this come from. I can't not say these things to myself. It is almost like the
"brainwashing technic" It goes like this (adapted of course for html). Keep reading through the next paragraph if you
want to be brainwashed, afterwards you may hate me, but you will have to live with it, proceed with caution.

So, several years ago the government was doing a research project on the big heads, you know, those guys on
the big rock, Rushmore. So, the government spent several years doing research on the public and those presidents.
Millions of dollars later, they came up with a report. What they found, was that in every awkward silence at least
one person is thinking about Abraham Linclon. Thats it, your brainwashed, becuase in the event of an awkward silence,
the brain begins to wander upon many topics, and the topic of awkward silence will arouse the rememberance of this
tale, and you will think of Abraham Linclon, and wonder, am I the one who is thinking of old Abe?
Anywho, ramblings of the day, goodnight! (P.S. scroll down if you cant see the links)

I like to watch people sometimes. Not like stare and be stupid looking at them, but just 'analysingly'. It is
interesting how people hold themselves in different situations. I mention this becuase on my way to a class there was
someone walking in the opposite direction alone, and they were bopping their head, and mouthing words, but they didn't
have headphones on or music. I found it funny and thought of times when I do that. For example I might have a previous
conversation running through my head, and i will find that I am mouthing my responces to no audience but the silence.
Or if I said something stupid, it will play in my head for a while, and I try saying things that would have been been
better to say. It made me realize that I am not the only person to do that, and that perhaps it is not a sign of a
phychological disfunction.

I have just finished the book The Perks of being a Wallflower, wow, an amazing book! Which I would reco-
mend to everyone. It was just one of those books you can relate to, and feel like you are the main character. But yeah
I felt like I needed to mention that.

It's funny how I miss my highschool friends, it takes me a long time to make 'tight' friends, slowly seeing who
people are through and through. It is interesting to look back at my freshman friends, and the ones that stuck with me
in the end. How things can change. Not saying that I don't like lots of people, quite the opposite, but I would not
share the same things with everyone. Perhaps it is my own fault for missing them, that I don't keep in contact. It
seems (to me) that everyones time, though, has come, where we all want to go separate ways, and not look back. Maybe
not look back is a bad choice of words, more like not focus on it anymore. This is the here, the now, the future, but
we are all in the same hole. Things change, people change. I wish they didn't. Sometimes, now that I can see the past,
I wish that I could go back and change things, do things the way that I really wanted. Becuase I can see the past.
Doing nothing is sometimes worse than doing something... I would do something.

I rode the bus system today, in Iowa. It was a trip and a half. I spent way more time then nessessary to get
a few books. I decided I needed a good book binge, I haven't felt like this in a while. So, I got 'Cold Mountain',
'The color purple', and 'the name of the rose'. I hope they are all good! In between switching buses I ran into an
oldish lady, she was an obvious bum, with at least partially decent cloths and such. But she asked if I could spare
a dollar. I gave her the five bill I had stocked; and her eyes lit up, like what I did was something amazing. It
also made me feel badly inside, like there could be more I could do, That I don't want people to have to live like
that. It also made me feel grateful for what I have. Here I am a teen in College, more fortunate than she. I know
there are many less fortunate, it just never hit home like that. I feel sorry for her. I wish there was something
more here for her.

I woke up this morning, one of the best nights rest that I had in quite a while, this being after a day with
lots of pondering things. So, anyway, this morning I woke up, and it was like, everything made sense. I don't really
know how to explain it better, but it was like I could see the reasons why I did things in my past, and it made me at least
glad that there was a reason, subconsciously as it was to me, or denied, I don't know which.

Before I reached college, and probably one of the benchmarkers of adolescence (which is about till 24 I believe).
I find -now- that I was quite biased in lots of my thoughts and feelings; that my standards were too high, too judgemental
to other people. I don't smoke or drink, and I probably wont, but this past summer I had the oddest feeling to just
give it a try. I've never felt that way before, and it was appalling to me. It is finally about in this past month
that I realized how hypocritical I have been, and I give that up now.

P.S. If anyone knows perl, or a super simple way to put a message board on here, give me an email!

I went for a workout today at the rec center, which was surprisingly hard to do, my body has gotten lazy. It
was good though, despite my lack of being able to do my average, I think I will be able to get myself back in shape.
It also clears the mind quite well, in my moments of distress. I like how it relieves the aggression that has been
building in me for the past days; which further I do not want to write about in this section. Sorry. I don't mind
Most of the world reading this, only one or two people Which I hope don't read this, but whatever.

I don't like the lack of 'Wisconsin' words here in Iowa, things that you drink out of are bubblers, and
the carbonated stuff that you drink, that is soda, not pop. I don't know if I will ever get used to this. It is
a little odd to be in the same nation and still be so divergent in our phrases and words for things. Granted that
Iowa to Wisconsin is not bad, and there are only a few diferences in words, I am sure, further to the boarders it
gets a lot different. I think that is interesting.

So, as most of you know, I have a facebook account, duh, that is where you likely found the link to this site,
anywho, I want to first say, that I was quite upset with the news-feed thing, and am glad that they corrected that,
especially so quickly! I find facebook to be very interesting, I sometimes like to peruse my friends pages, and see
what is new with them. It is interesting to see how many, or little friends two people can have in common. I found
some of my old gradeschool friends, and the only friends we had in common were those gradeschool friends. That to
me is pretty interesting, here I am living 7 miles away, and going to a school only 22 miles away, in the same division,
and we have no similar friends, then again, some of my distant friends know people I know quite well. Crazy!

I joined a bible study group today, I am a little worried that I might have bitten off more than I can chew.
They gave me this huge work-packet thing, and I was like... AH. Hopefully it will be fun and not draining though.
The groups are small, which means we can be more personal, and I am the only freshman in my group, double AH. That
doesn't seem to be a huge barrior though in college, I can hardly ever tell who is freshman to senior to super senior.
Anywho, that is my life so far!

Its been a while since I wrote last. I feel badly, but I am a horrible procrastinator. So now I get to play a
small game of catch-up. It is not bad, actually it is not even behind, just not as ahead as I could have been. We have
to design a memorial for 'little ankeny' an uranium refinery that was on campus. I don't think I condon it though, at
least in a postitive way. The atom bomb should never have been built or used. Einstein even admitted to unleashing
a horrible weapon. What gives us to whip out people like that? Yes times were different then, and under the circum-
stances it was better than the alternatives.

This brings me to the thought of lunchtime discussion. Pro-life, or Pro-choice. I am definately Pro-life,
becuase I think it is murder to kill off the defenceless; and Pro-choice raises the question of rape, which yes
the victim probably does not want to have that baby, but there are better alternatives, like adoption, to me
even though it could be the most traumatizing event in your life, the fact would have happened, and to me that
child should still be given a chance, and not be condemned for the crime of their father. That is just how I feel
though.