Statistics Jokes
Joke 1  what is statistics
Three men are in a hotair
balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of
the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call for help in this
canyon and the echo will carry our voices far." So he leans over the
basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo
several times.)
Fifteen minutes pass. Then they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!
You're lost!!" One of the men says, "That must have been a
statistician." Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say
that?" The reply: "For three reasons. (1) he took a long time to answer,
(2) he was absolutely correct, and (3) his answer was absolutely
useless."
Joke 2  weighted total
Three roommates slept through
their midterm statistics exam on Monday morning. Since they had returned
together by car from the same hometown late Sunday evening, they decided
on a great little falsehood. The three met with the instructor Monday
afternoon and told him that an illtimed flat tire had delayed their
arrival until noon. The instructor, while somewhat skeptical, agreed to
give them a makeup exam on Tuesday.
When they arrived the instructor issued them the same makeup exam and
ushered each to a different classroom. The first student sat down and
noticed immediately the instructions indicated that the exam would be
divided into Parts I and II weighted 10% and 90% respectively. Thinking
nothing of this disparity, he proceeded to answer the questions in Part
I. These he found rather easy and moved confidently to Part II on the
next page. Suddenly his eyes grew large and his face paled. Part II
consisted of one short and pointed question.......
"Which tire was it?"
Joke 3  Learning Statistics
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge
in pill form.
A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what
kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says "Here's a
pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it
and has new knowledge about English literature!
"What else do you have?" asks the student. "Well, I have pills for art
history, biology, and world history, "replies the pharmacist. The
student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about
those subjects!
Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for statistics? "The
pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the storeroom
and brings back a whopper of a pill that is about twice the size of a
jawbreaker and plunks it on the counter. "I have to take that huge pill
for statistics?" inquires the student.
The pharmacist understandingly nods his head and replies "Well, you know
statistics always was a little hard to swallow."
Joke 4  Average
Did you hear about the statistician who had his head in an oven and his
feet in a bucket of ice? When asked how he felt, he replied, "On the
average I feel just fine."
Joke 5  life of statistician
A guy was walking along and saw a frog sitting on the side of the road.
The frog said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
The guy picked up the frog, looked it over, smiled, put it into his
pocket and continued on his way.
A few minutes later the frog said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a
beautiful princess and stay with you for a week!" The guy took the frog
out of his pocket, smiled, and put it back into his pocket.
A few minutes later the frog said "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a
beautiful princess, stay with you for a week and do ANYTHING you want!!"
The guy took the frog out of his pocket again, smiled at it, and put it
back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog said, "I said that if you would just kiss me, I would
turn into a beautiful princess and do ANYTHING you want for a whole
week! Why won't you kiss me?" The guy said, "Look, I'm a statistician
and I don't have time for girl friends, but a talking frog is kind of
neat."
Joke 6  Learn statistics before using it
There is a
group of five statisticians on a train. At the next stop, five
epidemiologists get on. They all seem to know each other and start
chatting. It transpires that all the epidemiologists have bought a
ticket, but the statisticians have only bought one between the five of
them. "Why did you do that?" asks one of the epidemiologists. "Surely
you're going to get caught and thrown off the train?" "Just wait and
see!", smiles one of the statisticians.
As the ticket
inspector is approaching to check everyone's tickets, the statisticians
all go off to the nearest toilet  the inspector passes the
epidemiologists and inspects all their tickets then moves on and notices
that the toilet is locked. "Tickets please!", shouts the inspector. One
of the statisticians pushes their ticket under the toilet door, which
the inspector checks and returns under the door. Once the inspector has
gone, all the statisticians return to their seats to the awe and
amazement of the epidemiologists. "That's incredibly clever!" says one
of the epidemiologists.
A few weeks later they
all find themselves on the same train again. They sit together and start
chatting once more. "We've done what you suggested", says one of the
epidemiologists. "And just bought one ticket between the five of us!"
"Oh really", says one of the statisticians. "we haven't bought ANY
tickets this time!" The epidemiologists look at each other in amazement.
"OK, one ticket between you is fine but not buying any at all is
ludicrous!"
As the ticket
inspector approaches the epidemiologists hurry off to the toilet. Once
they're inside, the statisticians follow them. "Tickets please!" shouts
one of the statisticians. The ticket appears under the door and they
take it away and all bundle into a different toilet. The inspector gets
to the toilet with the epidemiologists in it. "Tickets please!" he
shouts. No reply. "Tickets please!" The epidemiologists admit defeat and
come out of the toilet only to be thrown off the train at the next
station.
THE
MORAL OF THIS STORY: Epidemiologists should not attempt to use
statistical methods without fully understanding the theory behind them!
Joke 7  who is close to right answer
PROOF THAT ALL ODD NUMBERS ARE PRIME:
Mathematician  3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, the rest follows by
induction.
Statistician  3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is experimental
error so throw it out, 11 is prime, 13 is prime, the rest follows by
induction.
Computer Scientist  3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime,
....
Joke 8  funny quarrel
One day the variance and the standard deviation were engaged in a heated
argument over which was the better measure of variability.
The standard deviation shouted at the variance, "You are useless because
you don't even relate to the original score scale."
The variance glared back and yelled, " Oh yeah! You are totally
worthless because you are far too radical."
Just then the mean deviation stepped between the two indices and pushed
them both back. In a proud voice the mean deviation proclaimed,"You are
both wrong! I am ABSOLUTELY the best measure of variability since both
of you would be worth ZERO if you didn't square your deviations!!!!"
