Source Text: EARNEST2.3Jack: You young scoundrel, Algy, you must get out of this place as soon as possible. I don't allow any Bunburying here.
Merriman: I have put Mr. Ernest's things in the room next to yours, sir. I suppose that is all right.
Jack: What?
Merriman: Mr. Ernest's luggage, sir. I have unpacked it and put it in the room next to your own.
Jack: His luggage?
Merriman: Yes sir. Three portmanteaus, a dressing-case, two hat boxes, and a large luncheon-basket.
Algernon: I am afraid I can't stay more than a week this time.
Jack: Merriman, order the dog-cart at once. Mr. Ernest has been suddenly called back to town.
Merriman: Yes, sir.
Algernon: What a fearful liar you are, Jack. I have not been called back to town at all.
Jack: Yes, you have.
Algernon: I haven't heard anyone call me.
Jack: Your duty as a gentleman calls you back.
Algernon: My duty as a gentleman has never interfered with my pleasures in the smallest degree.
Jack: I can quite understand that.
Algernon: Well, Cecily is a darling.
Jack: You are not to talk of Miss Cardew like that. I don't like it.
Algernon: Well, I don't like your clothes. You look perfectly ridiculous in them. Why on earth don't you go up and change? It is perfectly childish to be in deep mourning for a man who is actually staying for a whole week with you in your house as a guest.
Jack: Your are certainly not staying with me for a whole week as a guest anything else. You have got to leave . . . by the four-five train.
Algernon: I certainly won't leave you so long as you are in mourning. It would be most unfriendly. If I were in mourning you would stay with me, I suppose. I should think it very unkind if you didn't.
Jack: Well, will you go if I change my clothes.
Algernon: Yes, if you are not too long. I never saw anybody take so long to dress, and with such little result.
Jack: Well, at any rate, that is better than being always overdressed as you are.
Algernon: If I am occasionally a little overdressed, I make up for it by being always immensely over-educated.
Jack: Your vanity is ridiculous, your conduct an outrage, and your presence in my garden, utterly absurd. However, you have got to catch the four-five, and I hope you will have a pleasant journey back to town. This Bunburying, as you call it, has not been a great success for you.
Algernon: I think it has been a great success. I'm in love with Cecily, and that is everything. But I must see her before I go, and make arrangements for another Bunbury. Ah, there she is.
Cecily: Oh, I merely came back to water the roses. I thought you were with Uncle Jack.
Algernon: He's gone to order the dog-car for me.
Cecily: Oh, is he going to take you for a nice drive?
Algernon: He's going to send me away.
Cecily: Then have we got to part?
Algernon: I am afraid so. It is a very painful parting.
Cecily: It is always painful to part from people whom one has known for a very brief space of time. The absence of old friends one can endure with equanimity. But even a momentary separation from anyone to whom one has just been introduced is almost unbearable.
Algernon: Thank you.
Merriman: The dog-cart is at the door, sir.
Cecily: It can wait, Merriman . . . for . . . five minutes.
Merriman: Yes, Miss.
Algernon: I hope, Cecily, I shall not offend you if I state quite frankly and openly that you seem to me to be in every way the visible personification of absolute perfection.
Cecily: I think your frankness does you great credit, Ernest. If you will allow me I will copy your remarks into my diary.
Algernon: Do you really keep a diary? I'd give anything to look at it. May I?
Cecily: Oh no. You see, it is simply a very young girl's record of her own thoughts and impressions, and consequently meant for publication. When it appears in volume form I hope you will order a copy. But pray, Ernest, don't stop. I delight in taking down from dictation. I have reached "absolute perfection." You can go on. I am quite ready for more.
Algernon: Ahem, Ahem!
Cecily: Oh, don't cough, Ernest. When one is dictating one should speak fluently and not cough. Besides, I don't know how to spell a cough.
Algernon: Cecily, ever since I first looked upon your wonderful and incomparable beauty, I have dared to love you wildly, passionately, devotedly, hopelessly.
Cecily: I don't think that you should tell me that you love me wildly, passionately, devotedly, hopelessly. Hopelessly doesn't seem to make much sense, does it?
Algernon: Cecily!
Merriman: The dog-cart is waiting, sir.
Algernon: Tell it to come round next week, at the same hour.
Merriman: Yes, sir.
Cecily: Uncle Jack would be very much annoyed if he knew you were staying on till next week, at the same hour.
Algernon: Oh, I don't care about Jack. I don't care for anybody in the whole world but you. I love you, Cecily. You will marry me, won't you?
Cecily: You silly boy! Of course. Why, we have been engaged for the last three months.
Algernon: For the last three months?
Cecily: Yes, it will be exactly three months on Thursday.
Algernon: But how did we become engaged?
Cecily: Well, ever since dear Uncle Jack first confessed to us that he had a younger brother who was very wicked and bad, you of course have formed the chief topic of conversation between myself and Miss Prism. And of course a man who is much talked about is always very attractive. One feels there must be something in him after all. I daresay it was foolish of me, but I fell in love with you, Ernest.
Algernon: Darling! And when was the engagement actually settled?
Cecily: On the 14th of February last. Worn out by your entire ignorance of my existence, I determined to end the matter one way or the other, and after a long struggle with myself I accepted you under this dear old tree here. The next day I bought this little ring in your name, and this is the little bangle with the true lovers' knot I promised you always to wear.
Algernon: Did I give you this? It's very pretty, isn't it?
Cecily: Yes, you've wonderfully good taste, Ernest. It's the excuse I've always given for your leading such a bad life. And this is the box in which I keep all your dear letters.
Algernon: My letters! By my own sweet Cecily, I have never written you any letters.
Cecily: You need hardly remind me of that, Ernest. I remember only too well that I was forced to write your letters for you. I always wrote three times a week, and sometimes oftener.
Algernon: Oh, do let me read them, Cecily?
Oh, I couldn't possibly: They would make you far too conceited. The three you wrote me after I had broken off the engagement are so beautiful, and so badly spelled, that even now I can hardly read them without crying a little.
Algernon: But was our engagement ever broken off?
Cecily: Of course it was. On the 22nd of last March. You can see the entry if you like. "Today I broke off my engagement with Ernest. I feel it is better to do so. The weather still continues charming."
Algernon: But why on earth did you break it off. What had I done? I had done nothing at all. Cecily, I am very much hurt indeed to hear you broke it off. Particularly when the weather was so charming.
Cecily: It would hardly have been a really serious engagement if it hadn't been broken off at least once. But I forgave you before the week was out.
Algernon: What a perfect angel you are, Cecily.
Cecily: You dear romantic boy. I hope your hair curls naturally, does it?
Algernon: Yes, darling, with a little help from others.
Cecily: I am so glad.
Algernon: You'll never break off our engagement again, Cecily?
Cecily: I don't think I could break it off now that I have actually met you. Besides, of course, there is the question of your name.
Algernon: Yes, of course.
Cecily: You must not laugh at me, darling, but it had always been a girlish dream of mine to love someone whose name was Ernest. There is something in that name that seems to inspire absolute confidence. I pity any poor married woman whose husband is not called Ernest.
Algernon: But, my dear child, do you mean to say you could not love me if I had some other name?
Cecily: But what name?
Algernon: Oh, any name you like Q Algernon Q for instance . . . .
Cecily: But I don't like the name Algernon.
Algernon: Well, my own dear, sweet, loving little darling, I really can't see why you should object to the name of Algernon. It is not at all a bad name. In fact, it is rather an aristocratic name. Half of the chaps who get into Bankruptcy Court are called Algernon. But seriously, Cecily . . . if my name was Algy, couldn't you love me?
Cecily: I might respect you, Ernest, I might admire your character, but I fear that I should not be able to give you my undivided attention.
Algernon: Ahem! Cecily! Your Rector here is, I suppose, thoroughly experienced in the practice of all rites and ceremonies of the Church?
Cecily: Oh, yes. Dr. Chasuble is a most learned man. He has never written a single book, so you can imagine how much he knows.
Algernon: I must see him at once on a most important christening Q I mean on most important business.
Cecily: Oh!
Algernon: I shan't be away more than a half an hour.
Cecily: Considering that we have been engaged since February the 14th, and that I only met you today for the first time, I think it is rather hard that you should leave me for so long a period as half an hour. Couldn't you make it twenty minutes?
Algernon: I'll be back in no time.
Cecily: What an impetuous boy he is! I like his hair so much. I must enter his proposal in my diary.